Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, founder and director of the Center for Loss and Life Transition, once said, “Be open to the possibility of happiness during the holidays. And if and when you do feel glimpses of happiness, do so without guilt. You are still alive, and finding happiness means you are carrying on with your life’s purpose.” The quote is a reminder that few aspects of the human experience are more painful than mourning a loved one during the holidays. And yet, at one time or another, most of us will face it. Your suffering stands in stark contrast to the lighthearted holiday magic all around you, which only serves to amplify the depth of your pain.
Only time can lessen the weight of your loss, and we hope that you find some modicum of relief knowing that it will get easier. Time may not heal all things, but its passage will lighten the burden of your sorrow. With the holiday season around the corner, you may not have the luxury of time’s healing power. You may feel unprepared to navigate this unthinkably difficult stage of grief process.
As an organization that has served thousands of grieving families over the years, we at Mid-America Transplant would first like to say that we stand with you and honor your grief. Through the course of our work together, many families have shared coping strategies for surviving the pain of losing a loved one. We humbly offer you some suggestions that may provide comfort this holiday season.
1.) Identify the pain points
Spend some time thinking about what the toughest moments of the holiday season are likely to be. Is it the stress and physical exhaustion of hosting a large family gathering? Consider ordering food and opting for a smaller group until you feel up to the challenge again.
Is it the moment when your loved one would have made their signature contribution to the festivities? (Carving the turkey, lighting a candle, making a toast, or dressing as Santa?) Keep the tradition alive by asking someone else (for whom it would be meaningful) to step up and fill the role. Handling these potentially difficult situations before the holiday begins can lower your stress level and make events feel less overwhelming.
2.) Keep them close
What was your loved one’s favorite holiday dish? Carve out time to make it yourself or identify a friend or family member to make sure it is served at the celebratory meal. Consider writing out a menu and naming the dish in their honor, like “Mom’s Famous Scalloped Potatoes.” Doing so will likely encourage warm conversation about the happy memories you shared with your loved one over the years.
Is there one thing that your loved one always insisted on doing over the holidays, like ice skating, decorating cookies, or seeing a live performance? Continue the tradition in their memory and make any necessary adjustments to make the logistics feel more manageable. If the day of the activity arrives and it feels too overwhelming, be kind to yourself. You can always skip it and try again next year if you feel up to it.
3.) Volunteer
Finding ways to brighten and enrich the lives of others can be a powerful way to lift your own spirits as you navigate the journey of grieving a loved one. We offer a wide range of volunteer opportunities including assembling donor family packets, assisting with event preparation, making blankets, helping in the office, or sharing your story with others.
4.) Get outside
An overwhelming body of research points to the healing power of time spent outdoors. This could be an afternoon hike at a national park or a quick walk around a local pond. It can be difficult to find the motivation to get outside (especially if it means bundling up), but breathing fresh air boosts serotonin and increases the production of endorphins, which can help lift your spirits.
Many communities offer “forest bathing,” classes, which include a restorative guided walk in nature. Rooted in Japanese tradition, forest bathing has been shown to lower stress and anxiety. If the outdoors are not for you, other active ways to fight the holiday blues include yoga, deep breathing, journaling, or reciting positive affirmations.
5.) Know where to turn
The human spirit is nurtured by connection, particularly in times of grief. You may be traveling for the holidays, but make sure you still have your support system intact. Maybe this means turning to a childhood best friend or checking in via text with a friend from home each night.
Given the difficulty of the holiday season, it may be the right time to consider joining a local bereavement group. Here is a list of grief centers in our service area: Annie's Hope, Counseling and Social Advocacy Center at UMSL, Heartlinks, Infant Loss Resources, and Lost & Found.
6.) Support a cause they held dear
Your loved one gave the ultimate gift with the decision to become an organ and tissue donor. Reflect on the selflessness of this decision, and on the impact it made on the life of another family. In all likelihood, there is a seat at someone’s holiday table that would otherwise have been left empty this year.
By registering as an organ or tissue donor, you can bring hope to patients and families who are still holding out for a miracle. Celebrate your loved one’s life-giving gift and consider registering to be an organ donor in their memory. Let your loved one’s legacy live on through your own selfless decision.
The Donor Memorial outside of Mid-America Transplant
A special tribute to organ, eye, and tissue donors
One further option is to visit Mid-America Transplant’s Donor Memorial Monument. It’s a 12-foot bronze sculpture that stands in honor of organ and tissue donors and their families. It’s encircled by a serene fountain of water in the center of a tree-lined grassy garden. An inscription at the base of the sculpture reads, “Honoring organ and tissue donors for the Gift of Life they gave to others”. Nearby, words like Love, Hope, Courage, Life, and Heroes represent the spirit of donation and the donors themselves.